Still Alive, Still Meth Free!

Posted in Speed Bump on 09/17/2014 – 10:04 pm
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I’m Back….

Well, It’s been a long time since I wrote anything here at Tweekerland; I got a wild hair so to speak (driven by a desire to write, and by the receipt of a nice new desktop computer. The PC I had been using crashed long ago, and so did I.)

On 1/1/11, I lost my mother. I knew it would be hard, but I somehow believed that if I was there to take care of her while she was sick, losing her would be “Easier” to deal with as I knew this day would come. It wasn’t easier. It was and remains the most difficult thing I have ever been through in my life so far. I still had my “Support group,” I still had “My Man,” and felt that with these people in my life, I could get through this unbelievable grief. My mother and I were like Salt and Pepper, Eggs and Bacon, kisses and hugs. See, even though I am an an addict, my parents were very supportive of my recovery, and before I actually told them I was using, they knew it in their hearts anyway.

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My Ass is Falling off…

Posted in Dry Ice on 12/30/2010 – 4:23 am
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But it’s clean.

I haven’t posted anything for a very long time because I have been very busy; I have not been working, and I have been away more than I have been at home. What I have been doing is staying at my parents house to help care for my mother whose cancer has now reached the “Terminal” state. Initially I came just to be supportive as she went through treatment, as the expectation was that this would be successful and she would become well enough to participate in life again. It hasn’t turned out that way, and for about the past 2 1/2 months or so I have been here at her home caring for her as I learn the absolute meaning of powerlessness.

Hands down, this has been the most difficult time of my life. I am not done with this part of my life; I don’t get to make that decision. What I have decided is this – the one thing that would make this situation worse would be if I were to relapse – So I have stayed CLEAN.

Had I decided to quell my pain with drugs, the only thing that would have happened is this; I would have failed to be here for my family right now, and I know that is something I could never live with. The only thing there is to be grateful for in this tragic situation (Which will come to every one of us at some time – maybe today, maybe in ten years – we ARE powerless afterall,) is that I am HERE, really here. I do have to feel the pain, and let me tell you that has not been easy. There have been times that My head tells me a joint would help me relax, a bag of meth would help me get through these long nights of watching my mother breathe (All night, every other night, no sleep.) There have been times that I have considered jumping out of a moving car just to get the driver to shut up.

My dog was put to sleep this week. I didn’t get to say goodbye. I could list so many crappy things that this post could turn into a “Whine” Festival, something I have become pretty good at since I haven’t had much to share of late that has been very positive. Except for one thing.

I can tell every reader who believes that he or she has to go use today, tonite, or tomorrow this simple truth.

If you decide you want to get high, go get high. But there IS no reason to go use – you don’t ever HAVE to go get high. There just is no excuse you can throw out there to convince me.

Tonite, I will stay up all night, watching my mother breathe, I will pray that she continues to do so until morning, and other than way too much coffee, I will do it because I want to, and I will do it clean. My mother needs ME today, not the person I become when I use. I am grateful that I can do that for her.

I am grateful I can do that for me. My ass IS falling off. The best I can do is tape it back on, put one foot in front of the other, and stay clean one day at a time. It’s not easy. Nothing worth doing is easy. But I am doing it. Read More »

More Gratitude

Posted in Dry Ice on 08/01/2010 – 11:54 pm
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I found this little flower walking along a local reservoir a few months ago. We took my mom up to go see the flowers, the lake, the mountain views, and the huge waterfall.

Along our way we found this just growing there. As we looked closely, there were more and more and more – and a variety of different flowers that we had missed too. We overlooked the little things that can make a day so beautiful – just for a little while, though – because we were so focused on the negative dark cloud that came to the reservoir with us (My Mom has lung cancer.)  After we started to focus on the beauty, soon we began to actively seek out the beauty purposefully, and what a great day we had.

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Pretty Dumb.

Posted in Speed Bump on 08/01/2010 – 11:16 pm
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Well, after all the morning drama, I went off to work. The cool thing was, the Sheriff’s dispatcher kept calling me to see where I was, how I was doing… and if I was going home after work (Since they were going to keep hubby behind bars, it was safe.) I thought to myself (And probably told people, too,) “How cool is that? The sheriff’s department keeps calling me and keeping me advised of “His” status, he isn’t getting out… and they asked how I was doing, too.” I wasn’t really doing all that great, though, and went to a friends house to drink (Since she was, in my world, a “Normie” since she didn’t use meth or smoke weed or any of THAT sort of thing.) Work let me out of there early, so I went over to my friends house and cried into some kind of Vodka or something. Vodka. That’s harsh (For me it is.)

See, here’s the thing. The Dispatcher wanted me to let her know where I was “Just in Case” anything changed, which I thought was so nice… so I called them up and let them know where I was, and when I’d go home. I did go home, I was depressed, and had mixed feelings about all of this stuff. I let the dispatcher know I was home now and she told me he would not be released and was going to be going to be leaving on some out of county warrants. 

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Back to the “Drugalog…”

Posted in Speed Bump on 06/25/2010 – 8:38 pm
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Keeping this brief, I’m going to jump to the part where the police have taken my husband away from my cute little cabin. I’m gonna jump ahead to the part where people at work suspect there is something not quite right about me – but, as usual, I do a pretty good job, so they watch and wait.

So during one of our usual loud, obnoxious arugments (This had become routine for hubby and me, with visits from the sheriff becoming more and more regular,) I asked a local womens agency for help.. and someone at my job called the sheriff one last time. I went off to work, and before he could get to work himself, hubby went to jail. He had warrants…

…and I had meth stashed (Where else?) in my underwear drawer! The sheriff found it, charged him with possession, and I went to work.

The rest of this story is so stupid on my part – ADDICT stupid – I’m not gonna say what happened next – yet.

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Gratitude

Posted in Dry Ice on 06/25/2010 – 4:51 pm
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I don’t have a lot of time today.

Be grateful for what you do have. Be grateful today, even though today is a hard day for all of us (I think every day presents challenges and gifts – be grateful for both.)

Share what you have – it will come back to you ten fold in time. It might not come back tomorrow, or next week, or next year – and you may find yourself resentful of that.

Expecatations are premeditated resentments.

Expect nothing, hope with all your heart, and just be grateful for what you have.

Crushed Ice?

Posted in Dry Ice on 06/24/2010 – 9:22 pm
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You know, since last August or so, Life has been fairly PRESSURED for me. Pressured in that my Mother has cancer and the prognosis is poor. Pressured in that finances have been cut down considerably, in that one adult (Stoner) child finally moved out so that the older one could move immediately in behind him. Presured in that layoffs where I work are an expectation, not a suprise.

My dog Daizy – she died.

And, for me, the worse kind of pressure, what appears to be the loss of SOMETHING in the relationship at home. There seems to be a “Dry Drunk” in my house – he isn’t using, he isn’t doing any of that. He has just returned to a state of mind that implies that there is an addict in the house.

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“Clean.”

Posted in Dry Ice on 05/14/2010 – 8:54 pm
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  So today, I don’t feel like getting high.

Does that mean that I am cured – that I am not an addict anymore because I haven’t used meth (Or, as a matter of fact, gotten high on ANYTHING) for more than six years?

Some people think “Yes,” this means I am recovered.

I do not believe that at all. I believe that I am an addict, and that I have made a choice every day for more than six years to refrain from getting high. At first, it wasn’t like “Making a choice.” At first, it was like this agonizing cruelty that I was forcing on myself every minute for hours and days and weeks… and months at a time.

I couldn’t stay clean. I couldn’t accept that “Clean” for me was going to have to mean “Not getting high.” Period.

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Dry Ice – Living Clean

Posted in Dry Ice on 05/06/2010 – 3:52 pm
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I’m going to do some writing about living clean – living without being high – about living life without having to use dope to deal with my life.

Life throws us all some curve balls. Life isn’t easy – recovery does NOT promise us an easier life, just a better way to cope with the problems that every life WILL come accross. Recovery provides us with the tools to get through the good times with a smile, and the tough times with determination and some tools that don’t destroy everything else about our lives.

 

 

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Wherever I go, there I am.

Posted in Speed Bump on 05/05/2010 – 9:06 pm
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We shared a condo with a lady and her baby.  Paul, my dog Moe, and  I lived in the upstairs portion, and we all shared the kitchen.  I had a new job at a local hospital, no one there knew about my history, what I had done, or much else except my name.  At the time I figured that in this small rural community, I was well hidden and could start my life all over.  It only took about a week – maybe ten days – before Meth came to the front door.

We know each other by sight. A meth addict can spot another tweeker most of the time, and we weren’t fooling anyone in the neighborhood. A friend of our roommate’s came over and introduced himself, and offered us some “Shit.”

It took about a week – maybe two. My addiction travels with me. Other addicts can see that about me.

 

 

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