My problem is between my ears – it’s my thinking and behavior, not where I live. I changed the people I associate with, I changed the places I hang out here in my area, and I changed pretty much everything else about myself… except my address. I got clean right here, in a house I was going to be evicted from.

I stay here now because recovery has changed my life so much that five years into it, I bought that same house… never saw that coming, and sometimes still can’t believe it.

But, I am not ashamed. Just because I can’t remember my cousin’s name, can’t multiply 7 x 8, forget how to spell ‘OF’ sometimes, and have no idea what the title of the movie I watched 2 hours ago, or what the main actor’s name was, though he’s my all-time favorite…doesn’t mean I’m any less intelligent than the Un-Damaged.

I may stumble on my words. I may stare blankly at you, searching, grasping for some association that will make those shriveled neurons spark once more. My pop-culture conversations may consist mainly of “that one guy in that movie with that chick.” But, I am not stupid. I have severe Neuro-toxic Brain Damage.

I am proud. I am proud that I survived. I am proud that I have these scars. These pieces of me that I lost in order to learn this lesson, this wisdom. It has made me who I am, and I have no regrets. Though my brain may be riddled with holes, I have my life and, I am grateful.

Neuro-toxic Brain Damage is very real. We are not stupid, we are not retarded, we are not insane. We just work differently. Though, I do feel sadness and loss for those pieces that feel like they belong to someone else, I have this passion. I have this purpose. And these foggy shadows of dreams that must have once been real. We must let our damage be known so that others may take heed. So that science may seek an understanding of the havoc the beast can reep.

Now 1.5 years later we are back at square one, he’s been using again very heavily. He’s lost tons of weight, I’ve found 3 pipes in the home which I turned over to our local police department, which to him is another betrayal, but I don’t want that stuff in my home with our 4 kids. He is facing felony charges b/c of it.
Yet, with all the evidence at my feet he continues to say he is not using at all and he will pass a hair folicle test (which is required for custody now that I have filled for divorce b/c I cannot live my life like this anymore). I love him so much but I also believe I am being emotionally and psycologically abused by him as well.

I don’t want to end it this way but I feel I have no choice and need to protect my kids from his further spiral downwards. He was the most amazing man ever and thats why I fell in love with him.
He is now going to move back into the sober living home he lived in before but is there any real hope if he won’t confess the true nature of what he has been up to or if he really doesn’t think he has a problem. He is going to fight me tooth and nail for custody of our kids. Its going to be ugly. He says I gave up on our marriage, but I am only giving up a life of turmoil and unrest. He blames me for everything and my misdeeds in this marriage like not loving him enough are as bad as his meth abuse and infidelities. I read on another site about being “gaslighted” and I have to say that is what he does to me on a daily basis, makes me doubt my sanity.
Is there any hope at all? Will he ever see the light of what his meth abuse has done to our marriage and how his meth abuse has turned him into a monster when it comes to dealing with me. Will he ever realize if he stays clean long enough the hell he put me through and the emotional abuse I’ve suffered at his hands while he was on this drug?

I know I have to move on even if he never sees it but it would be so nice to have hope that someday he might possibly see the damage this drug has cost him and our family. Is there any hope?