Crushed Ice?

Posted in Dry Ice on 06/24/2010 – 9:22 pm
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You know, since last August or so, Life has been fairly PRESSURED for me. Pressured in that my Mother has cancer and the prognosis is poor. Pressured in that finances have been cut down considerably, in that one adult (Stoner) child finally moved out so that the older one could move immediately in behind him. Presured in that layoffs where I work are an expectation, not a suprise.

My dog Daizy – she died.

And, for me, the worse kind of pressure, what appears to be the loss of SOMETHING in the relationship at home. There seems to be a “Dry Drunk” in my house – he isn’t using, he isn’t doing any of that. He has just returned to a state of mind that implies that there is an addict in the house.

Yelling, controlling, slamming things around, yelling at animals, blaming blaming blaming, minimizing… and failing to support me when I feel I need him the most.

My Mom is sick – My Mom is essentially dying, I just don’t know when. I need a safe place and I don’t have one – not a tangable place anyway.

There is ONE place I can go, though. There is one way I can get support and I have not been practicing that as hard or as often or as passionately as I need to.

12 steppers are always making reference to our “Higher Power.” The steps make reference to “God” which is a word that is a synonym for a power greater than ourselves.

If you are an addict and don’t believe in a higher power, then think about running out of dope… did you go get more? What lengths were you willing to go to get more? Did you ever get arrested – when they threw you in cuffs, and you asked nicely “Can I just go home?” did they let you?

Ever been caught in a rip tide or a strong river current? Ever watched a leaf in the gutter?

I call this part of the blog ”Dry Ice” because it is about my recovery. Some days I will post here, mostly when my recovery gets me through a shitty day clean.

I am at work today. Today was a shitty day – my husband and I are having problems and today was one of those days that makes you wonder if the relationship will make it, or if it’s just not worth the bullshit anymore. I have so much bullshit going on right now…

And then I remember I am employed, dressed, fed, housed, and even have a few cars. I have pets that are fat they eat so much. All my problems are between my ears. Those kind of problems are the kind I need to work on using what I have learned in recovery, using what the 12 Steps have taught me, and tonite, I will meditate (Because that is what I do to connect with MY higher power who I personally do not call God) and work on me.

I don’t know if my relationship will survive. I will. I have decided that, Just For Today, I will let my higher power work in my life. I just have to do the next right thing and get in touch with that part of myself.


This entry was written by Penelope, filed under Dry Ice.
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6 Comments

  1. fishslapr posted on 07/01/2010 at 3:41 pm | Permalink

    as always, you are an inspiration Pen… thank you for sharing yourself…

  2. slimcity posted on 07/22/2010 at 2:25 pm | Permalink

    so eloquent…thank you.

  3. HeatherBliss posted on 11/16/2010 at 12:02 am | Permalink

    I am sick. sick of using. sick from using Speed. i tried to get help but rehab wouldn’t take me because I am dual-diagnosed. God Help Me ! I started having an affair because I was so high and hyper-sexual. I got kicked out by my husband ( with due reason!) and no longer live with him or my kids. i have no car from accident. my life is a mess and i see no hope. i miss My family. i am scared.

  4. sophia denis posted on 11/20/2010 at 4:19 pm | Permalink

    there is no easy way..if you are serious..shut down the pity party…and change your life…it will be brutal…you will have no friends or family on your side…your bridges are bombed not burnt…but if you are serious? grab a phone book, a glass of water and a paper and pen and get busy…If you are serious the Universe will send you what you need…trust me and best wishes…do not give up.

  5. Penelope posted on 11/21/2010 at 3:30 am | Permalink

    I want to apologize for being unavailable to everyone; due to a serious family illness, I have been caring for my mom as she goes through this nightmare called cancer.

    I want people who are still using to try to understand the gratitude I have today. If I was out using, no way would I be able to cope with one DAY of even watching what my mother has to survive.

    I want my mom to have one good day – just one.

    I’ll be back, there’s so much more to share…

  6. Roxi posted on 11/22/2010 at 4:59 pm | Permalink

    ((((((((((Pen))))))))))))