My Ass is Falling off…

Posted in Dry Ice on 12/30/2010 – 4:23 am
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But it’s clean.

I haven’t posted anything for a very long time because I have been very busy; I have not been working, and I have been away more than I have been at home. What I have been doing is staying at my parents house to help care for my mother whose cancer has now reached the “Terminal” state. Initially I came just to be supportive as she went through treatment, as the expectation was that this would be successful and she would become well enough to participate in life again. It hasn’t turned out that way, and for about the past 2 1/2 months or so I have been here at her home caring for her as I learn the absolute meaning of powerlessness.

Hands down, this has been the most difficult time of my life. I am not done with this part of my life; I don’t get to make that decision. What I have decided is this – the one thing that would make this situation worse would be if I were to relapse – So I have stayed CLEAN.

Had I decided to quell my pain with drugs, the only thing that would have happened is this; I would have failed to be here for my family right now, and I know that is something I could never live with. The only thing there is to be grateful for in this tragic situation (Which will come to every one of us at some time – maybe today, maybe in ten years – we ARE powerless afterall,) is that I am HERE, really here. I do have to feel the pain, and let me tell you that has not been easy. There have been times that My head tells me a joint would help me relax, a bag of meth would help me get through these long nights of watching my mother breathe (All night, every other night, no sleep.) There have been times that I have considered jumping out of a moving car just to get the driver to shut up.

My dog was put to sleep this week. I didn’t get to say goodbye. I could list so many crappy things that this post could turn into a “Whine” Festival, something I have become pretty good at since I haven’t had much to share of late that has been very positive. Except for one thing.

I can tell every reader who believes that he or she has to go use today, tonite, or tomorrow this simple truth.

If you decide you want to get high, go get high. But there IS no reason to go use – you don’t ever HAVE to go get high. There just is no excuse you can throw out there to convince me.

Tonite, I will stay up all night, watching my mother breathe, I will pray that she continues to do so until morning, and other than way too much coffee, I will do it because I want to, and I will do it clean. My mother needs ME today, not the person I become when I use. I am grateful that I can do that for her.

I am grateful I can do that for me. My ass IS falling off. The best I can do is tape it back on, put one foot in front of the other, and stay clean one day at a time. It’s not easy. Nothing worth doing is easy. But I am doing it.

This entry was written by Penelope, filed under Dry Ice.
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  1. breckgirl posted on 12/30/2010 at 1:24 pm | Permalink

    We spend so much time condemning ourselves for small things we forget the big things. We need to celebrate the big things about ourselves. I know celebrate sounds like an odd word to use in reference to watching your Mom slowly fade away but your gratitude for being able to show up is in a small way celebrating yourself. You should.

    Staying clean for yourself, your family and your friends so you can be there – you can show up and be a contribution in good times and bad is something to be proud of.

    Even though you don’t always feel graceful because you are suffering a lot of painful emotions – there is beauty and love in being there. Being numbed out on drugs of any kind – even cigarettes or tv or what have you in order to not feel – that is a living death worse than what you are witnessing because the person who numbs themselves out from reality has a choice – your Mom, she has no choice.

    I have nothing but respect for you. You have integrity, honor, compassion, empathy, humility.

  2. breckgirl posted on 12/30/2010 at 1:25 pm | Permalink

    PS – We will catch you when you fall and we can tape your ass back on!

  3. Roxi posted on 01/04/2011 at 8:09 am | Permalink

    (((((((((My DEAR ACHING PENELOPE))))))))))

    You are living what I lived just one year ago, as you know, we lost our Mother. And also as you know, just a little over 5 years ago I was raging meth addict, always trying to borrow money for the electric bill…I also sat beside my Mother and watched her breathe, she passed quickly, it was only 3 days , but i was there, beside her, the entire time. It was an HONOR to be with her,as she passed, just as she helped me into this world, i helped her to leave….just as ((((((YOU)))))) have just done. I know that you will find Comfort in the fact that YOU WERE THERE for HER, when it counted THE MOST. I know that I will be Eternally Grateful to the point of Sacred AWE that I was NOT whacked out and spun, but rather calm, and steady and totally present.

    It has been one year, and a few days, for us, it has become easier, with time, it feels so Strange, still, but we laugh now when we tell stories, or call each other up when we have dreams about her and my father…

    You WILL feel her presence, I guarantee you that, and the time will come when you WILL Smile, when you see her favorite flower….or a little hummingbird will flit past you and you will be reminded of her.
    She is at rest and play now…

    And you can best honor her by keeping your family ties strongly knit.
    You, my Dear, are going to become the glue that binds.

    Oh, ((((((PEN)))))))
    You are in My Prayers, and your Father and Family also!

  4. fishslapr posted on 01/17/2011 at 10:15 am | Permalink


    I am so sorry. I have no other words.

    I am so so very sorry…

  5. Penelope posted on 02/01/2011 at 1:42 am | Permalink

    My mother passed on to the next world a day and a half after I wrote this entry, on New Year’s Day. Today is 1/31/11 – My Mother’s Birthday. I had my 48th birthday this month, my Daughter, her 25th, and on 1/18/11, I Woke up, exactly seven years after the the first day I chose not to get high no matter what.

    Although I am grateful to have stayed clean for the past seven years, I miss calling my Mom to remind her; “Guess what today is?”

    I have my Dad, and he came here to see all of us with recovery “Birthdays” receieve a coin. I was sad for my Dad; however, the other recovering addicts around him made sure he did not feel alone.

    Thank you NA for the gift of another day clean.

  6. Josh posted on 02/01/2011 at 2:05 am | Permalink

    I first got wasted when I was still in dipers. Sorry about spelling bare with me . Any how I smoked pot or at lest had it blown in my face by one or two of my three older sisters .I was Alwes a good kid or good at. Not getting  found out by the peoplearound my .I got to see both sides of growing up from liven in the back of a truck on the side of the road with one pair of pants to go to school in to later on around 5 grad my mom got with my step dad .he was clean and a dame good man but my mom was not you see drugs were exspected  not exsepted in my life. I seen meth around. The 2grade  for some reson I fell in love with asid and in the corse of abiuta year I had taken more LSD then most 9 people put together by the end of the LSD trip I was a GUI time drinker triper snorter and I found out I  was good at something for the first time .so I decided to run with it  . So in the13 or so years since then I manly did alote of meth sometimes shall to two a day selling some from time to time to get mine witch put me in prison and that. Is when I hit me that was the first time I had been strate in years.even thought I had the best intenshons on staying clean I can’t  now I have a person oin my life that I love and who makes me fill loved she is strate and I can fill her slipping away so once more in my life dop is destroying me  .I have plans a place to get away to with some friend that is clean now to help me come down .just the thought of that is feeling me out . I don’t know if I can do it but I ask any One who took the time to read this poorly  spelled posting of mine  lisonto the thangs in your heart and keep god at your side because if you are hooked on meth the fighting it off is never ending. Please ray for me as I pray for you’d together let us have the strength to see this battle through. Thank you

  7. corinthian posted on 02/05/2011 at 1:26 pm | Permalink

    just got out of lockup today, tested positive for meth last night at a club. gotta go for monthly check ups now for two years. ur shit inspires me, stumbled onto ur site cuz i was reading on how long meth stays in ur system for, n i saw this thing at the side n i was like hmm… ‘what’s a meth speed bump’ opened it in another tab and started reading. thought it would be some stupid condescending shit or sumthing but after i read ur story i became ashamed of the other tabs opened on my firefox, the ones that read ‘how long does meth stay in ur system for?’ made me realize. there is good in the world, i’m not getting high tonight. i write songs n produce them n i wanna write something inspirational like that, this is the stuff i normally make (cranked up of course)
    nyways, gotta get off crank for my sake n my family’s sake n ur a big inspiration. please keep posting

  8. fishslapr posted on 02/08/2011 at 8:15 am | Permalink

    I’m so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts sweety…


  9. JokerGirl posted on 03/20/2011 at 12:01 pm | Permalink

    I’m sorry about your mom.

    I hope you are okay.

    I miss reading you.



  10. nineyearsclean posted on 03/26/2011 at 6:10 pm | Permalink

    I have been thinking about you all week. You’ve been there at oddest moments, just randomly appearing in my thoughts and in my heart. I love you and I miss you and I hope you are healing from your horrific loss.