Still Alive, Still Meth Free!

Posted in Speed Bump on 09/17/2014 – 10:04 pm
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I’m Back….

Well, It’s been a long time since I wrote anything here at Tweekerland; I got a wild hair so to speak (driven by a desire to write, and by the receipt of a nice new desktop computer. The PC I had been using crashed long ago, and so did I.)

On 1/1/11, I lost my mother. I knew it would be hard, but I somehow believed that if I was there to take care of her while she was sick, losing her would be “Easier” to deal with as I knew this day would come. It wasn’t easier. It was and remains the most difficult thing I have ever been through in my life so far. I still had my “Support group,” I still had “My Man,” and felt that with these people in my life, I could get through this unbelievable grief. My mother and I were like Salt and Pepper, Eggs and Bacon, kisses and hugs. See, even though I am an an addict, my parents were very supportive of my recovery, and before I actually told them I was using, they knew it in their hearts anyway.

I’m going to keep this short;  I want you all to know this: my support group wasn’t very supportive, my “Man” walked out on me the day before Mother’s day (I had spent too much time grieving, and he had “Had Enough.”) I never felt so alone in my life, I isolated in my home for months, I sank into a depression so severe that I lost 50 pounds, was drinking water but not eating, my legs would just give out and I kept falling.

I did not use meth. I knew that meth would not bring my Mom back. I knew that my Dad needed me. I would not do that to myself, I would not do that to my Dad, and I would not let down my children like that. Besides, what would be the benefit? How would using Meth make this situation more tolerable? I can’t think of one thing using Meth would have changed … except ME. I wouldn’t have been there anymore. Hell, I was barely there to begin with. I had what lay people might call a “Nervous Breakdown.” It was horrible.

The way people reacted to my grief was varied. My sponsor often recommended I go get a manicure – alone. WTF? A Manicure? Alone? I was so alone as it was, pretty nails were NOT going to make me feel better – ripping them out with pliers MIGHT have allowed me to feel something other than emotional agony… but a manicure? I needed HELP. Other people asked, “what do you want ME to do about it?” others implied I should just get over it – I need to add that, while my mother was dying, My Dog Dixie had cancer in her eye, and was put down first. I had her for 12 years, and never got to say goodbye because I was out of town with my Mother. So, during the Holidays, I watched as my Mother was taken from us by Cancer, and lost my beloved Dog. Five months later, my “Man” (I put Man in parenthesis because I don’t feel he acted like much of a man when I needed him the most after 16 years together,) walked out on me the day before the first Mother’s day without my Mother. The dog part often mystifies people – those people must not have ever had a dog, I guess…

I left my support group, and returned to the REAL friends I have had for years – not addicts, friends that I hadn’t spent much time with as I dedicated myself to Program People.

I am very grateful to NA because I would still be using without them. However, that man was still there, I felt unsupported, so I left… and in November, I will have ELEVEN years meth free. I did not use. I did not consider using, and I don’t use today. I made it through the hardest chapter in my life so far meth free. I want people to know that.

To be continued…

This entry was written by Penelope, filed under Speed Bump.
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