Still Alive, Still Meth Free!

Posted in Speed Bump on 09/17/2014 – 10:04 pm
Post a comment
I’m Back….

Well, It’s been a long time since I wrote anything here at Tweekerland; I got a wild hair so to speak (driven by a desire to write, and by the receipt of a nice new desktop computer. The PC I had been using crashed long ago, and so did I.)

On 1/1/11, I lost my mother. I knew it would be hard, but I somehow believed that if I was there to take care of her while she was sick, losing her would be “Easier” to deal with as I knew this day would come. It wasn’t easier. It was and remains the most difficult thing I have ever been through in my life so far. I still had my “Support group,” I still had “My Man,” and felt that with these people in my life, I could get through this unbelievable grief. My mother and I were like Salt and Pepper, Eggs and Bacon, kisses and hugs. See, even though I am an an addict, my parents were very supportive of my recovery, and before I actually told them I was using, they knew it in their hearts anyway.

I’m going to keep this short;  I want you all to know this: my support group wasn’t very supportive, my “Man” walked out on me the day before Mother’s day (I had spent too much time grieving, and he had “Had Enough.”) I never felt so alone in my life, I isolated in my home for months, I sank into a depression so severe that I lost 50 pounds, was drinking water but not eating, my legs would just give out and I kept falling.

I did not use meth. I knew that meth would not bring my Mom back. I knew that my Dad needed me. I would not do that to myself, I would not do that to my Dad, and I would not let down my children like that. Besides, what would be the benefit? How would using Meth make this situation more tolerable? I can’t think of one thing using Meth would have changed … except ME. I wouldn’t have been there anymore. Hell, I was barely there to begin with. I had what lay people might call a “Nervous Breakdown.” It was horrible.

The way people reacted to my grief was varied. My sponsor often recommended I go get a manicure – alone. WTF? A Manicure? Alone? I was so alone as it was, pretty nails were NOT going to make me feel better – ripping them out with pliers MIGHT have allowed me to feel something other than emotional agony… but a manicure? I needed HELP. Other people asked, “what do you want ME to do about it?” others implied I should just get over it – I need to add that, while my mother was dying, My Dog Dixie had cancer in her eye, and was put down first. I had her for 12 years, and never got to say goodbye because I was out of town with my Mother. So, during the Holidays, I watched as my Mother was taken from us by Cancer, and lost my beloved Dog. Five months later, my “Man” (I put Man in parenthesis because I don’t feel he acted like much of a man when I needed him the most after 16 years together,) walked out on me the day before the first Mother’s day without my Mother. The dog part often mystifies people – those people must not have ever had a dog, I guess…

I left my support group, and returned to the REAL friends I have had for years – not addicts, friends that I hadn’t spent much time with as I dedicated myself to Program People.

I am very grateful to NA because I would still be using without them. However, that man was still there, I felt unsupported, so I left… and in November, I will have ELEVEN years meth free. I did not use. I did not consider using, and I don’t use today. I made it through the hardest chapter in my life so far meth free. I want people to know that.

To be continued…


This entry was written by Penelope, filed under Speed Bump.
Bookmark the permalink or follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.
Post a comment or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.

Post a Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.