The “Geographical Cure”
I had lost my career, and with that a large part of my identity. My friends were in and out of the house constantly, we had band practice in our garage at least twice a week which brought with it a lot of people, drinking, and a constant “Party” atmosphere. My kids were young, the children of all of my friends were always there too. The “Moms” had our own thing going on; remember I had the 3 bedroom house with the picket fence, swing set, green grass in the backyard, etc. So in spite of the motorcycles and musicians in front of the house, the kids had it pretty good inside, too. I wasn’t working and I wanted to be a mom for a while.
A mom, but still, an addict. Still using, still with a house full of bikers, loud music, and the lifestyle that goes with being an addict.
My kids got good grades in school. They were happy, they weren’t what I considered “Pansy” kids – they were “Cool” kids. They were pretty well behaved kids, which in my mind meant I was a good mother.
Here’s the thing, though. In spite of all the excitement (And there was plenty of that, and the details of a lot of it – I’m not at liberty to share, really. It would be stupid to do that) something was missing. I was always restless, I did do a lot of “Trouble Making” and a lot of fighting.
Meanwhile the kids dad was a musician with ties to a “Motorcycle Enthusiast’s Organization” so he was very involved with his own thing. I got restless in my marriage, and I did what a lot of meth addicts seem to do.
I met another man, and the end of that story is, I left the picket fence behind, along with the family, the dog, and everything else except a few clothes and one convertible sports car. I left, and I never went back there.
I used and shoplifted to eat and smoke, I got caught a few times but store managers always say “I don’t want to see you in this store again” I guess, because every time I got caught, I just left the store. Once a store security person (A woman) tried to slap a handcuff on me as I left the store. We went rounds in the doorway of the store… the automatic doors kept opening, closing, opening, closing…
I got smart and stopped fighting. I was pretty sure I was going to jail that time. I was covered with bruises from a different kind of a fight the day before – the kind that people are usually pretty forgiving towards woman about - and AGAIN, they let me go.
I had pork chops, green beans, and a package of rice. I will never forget that, because that was my kids dinner. Their father was in jail, Paul (My husband today) was in jail, and I had nothing to feed them.
Paul and the kids father were in jail because of a really shameful incident – the reason I was bruised up. Kids dad hit me, Paul hit him, pretty soon we were all fighting. The neighbors showed up. My son was only six, and he had to call 911. Meth paraphernalia and meth were in the house, but I didn’t live there anymore.
My friend cooked for me and my children, and I felt like a piece of shit. I had to change my life. I had to stop using, and I had to get out of the San Francisco / Oakland area and start my life over.
In December of 1996, I sold the only possession I had left (Besides the car.) My computer. I called a small county hospital in a place in the mountains, I applied to work in their inpatient psychiatric unit, and was hired.
I moved from the Bay Area about two weeks before Christmas to a place where I knew absolutely no one. I moved to a beautiful mountain county near Yosemite, and Paul and I had plans to get our lives together and bring the kids to the mountains.
I moved to Jamestown, California, in the area known as the Mother Lode in the central Sierra Nevada Mountains. I moved to what we all call “God’s Country,” and I wanted to try to make a new life, without meth.
11 Comments
Don’t Stop now, Pen~ WHAT HAPPENED NEXT????
Love, Rox
Penelope – no one who knows you in recovery alone (ie: does not know your past)and did not know you were in recovery… would ever think for one minute you have had these life experiences.
Somehow I think your past experiences are to a degree the basis for the depth of character you have today. I cannot imagine having gone through the things you have and coming out on the other side as compassionate and wise a person as you are.
Love you my friend. Thank you for sharing yourself with the rest of us.
my mom died at age 49 from that crap.
I totally understand the geographical cure. So far its the only way I’ve been able to stay clean 40 days, not cuz of my giant will power, although I do consider this voluntary. I say “12 steps wasnt enuff for me, I had to go 900 miles!” I sold my trailer and what possessions I kept, I put in storage. (greatful to still have ANY possessions left!) I left my kids there, and even tho they’re 23, 18 and 17, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. However, they understand and support my decision because “im no good to them there in that condition” I know I cant go back there, even just to visit, without constant supervision. How sad is that??! I dont know how long it will actually take, if ever, that I can return to the place I spent 35 yrs of my life, 15 of them I was high! Not to say there are no triggers here, but I only know family here and thats all I intend to know. Im determined enuff to make this painfull move work for me that I will not seek out connections and if I see any (we can spot each other) i’ll be running the other direction at top speed. The moral of my story is the same as others I’ve talked to: sometimes drastic measures are neccessary and if moving far away helps, do it without shame. It’s by far way more shameful and distressing to be caught in the vicious cycle that meth holds us in so mercilessly.
Good read Pen! Continue please….LOL!
I love readin ya!
Pen – I know things are tough right now but somewhere in it all is beauty. Your stories are good & I hope to read more soon.
Love ya
Good for you, Pen!! That’s how I got sober too, moved away from it all!!!
Moving away from meth didn’t help me move away from me… and that was and is the problem. Me… Keep reading.
Penelope
Although today I can go back to my old using grounds without a problem, for the first few years I had to be away. Even when I go back today to see relatives, however, a lot of bad memories do pop up. And actually most of my friends who got out of their meth addictions ended up leaving that area.
I’m in my old using grounds – I used to use right here where I am sitting now.
My problem is between my ears – it’s my thinking and behavior, not where I live. I changed the people I associate with, I changed the places I hang out here in my area, and I changed pretty much everything else about myself… except my address. I got clean right here, in a house I was going to be evicted from.
I stay here now because recovery has changed my life so much that five years into it, I bought that same house… never saw that coming, and sometimes still can’t believe it.
Only change from the inside can fight the stasis on the outside of a person. I agree you have to remove yourself from the triggers. My solace comes from helping others and surrounding myself with good people. God Bless you and keep fighting the good fight. You are worth it!!!