Wherever I go, there I am.

Posted in Speed Bump on 05/05/2010 – 9:06 pm
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We shared a condo with a lady and her baby.  Paul, my dog Moe, and  I lived in the upstairs portion, and we all shared the kitchen.  I had a new job at a local hospital, no one there knew about my history, what I had done, or much else except my name.  At the time I figured that in this small rural community, I was well hidden and could start my life all over.  It only took about a week – maybe ten days – before Meth came to the front door.

We know each other by sight. A meth addict can spot another tweeker most of the time, and we weren’t fooling anyone in the neighborhood. A friend of our roommate’s came over and introduced himself, and offered us some “Shit.”

It took about a week – maybe two. My addiction travels with me. Other addicts can see that about me.

 

 

So much for my Geographical Recovery. By the end of that night, we had traded away a lot of our valuables to get some more, and it was “On” again.  The trip to the bay area was about five hours round trip. The guy we met in town wasn’t a reliable source, so we found ourselves driving back and forth to the bay to get dope. It was rediculous.

The condo in Jamestown wasn’t the kind of place I was accustomed to living in. I worked night shifts, slept during the day (Sometimes,) and it was very apparent that the building codes in this area weren’t like where I had come from. The condo accross from us had obviously been on fire at some time before we arrived; the condo’s were two units each, and there was a family living in the side that hadn’t been burned.

I woke up one day to find a mouse on my pillow, watching me sleep. That was when I decided we weren’t going to stay there anymore, and we moved up to the “High Country,” above the snowline.

Life was good. I had my own place again. Nobody knew me, I had a good job, and I could start my life all over again.

We got another dog, we got new “Stuff,” it was like a whole new life.

We also got new neighbors, and we got “Lucky,” because our new neighbors were cool. They liked to have fun, they liked to party, and we moved right back into a situation where we could party, work, and “Hide.”

 The Geographical Cure for my addiction didn’t work for me. My location changed, but my addiction travelled with me. My job changed, but the people I worked with only knew me as the “New Nurse,” not “Party Girl.”

Everything was new – my address, my job, my partner, my cars – I even got a new dog.

What did not change was ME.

I remained the same. I was still sneaky, I was still incapable of managing my drug use, I was still pathologically incapable of being honest with myself.

What appeared to be a “New Start” in my mind was only a new location to keep doing the same shit… and that is EXACTLY what I did.


This entry was written by Penelope, filed under Speed Bump.
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One Comment

  1. breckgirl posted on 05/21/2010 at 11:10 am | Permalink

    “What did not change was ME.”

    The Geographical Cure did not work for me. I did more than 26 moves in an 8 year period (can’t remember them all)…Some as big as 3,000 miles and some as small as 5 miles.

    Not a single one changed the core problem.

    Me.

    Thanks for reminding me of what I left behind and how grateful I am for the luxury problems that populate my life today. With my head on straight I have a better chance of resolving them positively.