“Clean.”

Posted in Dry Ice on 05/14/2010 – 8:54 pm
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  So today, I don’t feel like getting high.

Does that mean that I am cured – that I am not an addict anymore because I haven’t used meth (Or, as a matter of fact, gotten high on ANYTHING) for more than six years?

Some people think “Yes,” this means I am recovered.

I do not believe that at all. I believe that I am an addict, and that I have made a choice every day for more than six years to refrain from getting high. At first, it wasn’t like “Making a choice.” At first, it was like this agonizing cruelty that I was forcing on myself every minute for hours and days and weeks… and months at a time.

I couldn’t stay clean. I couldn’t accept that “Clean” for me was going to have to mean “Not getting high.” Period.

See, I tried to stop using lots of times. I was successful in 1992 when I stopped using Cocaine; I replaced my habitual use of cocaine with the exclusive use of meth, but to me, my “Problem” was Coke. No Coke, no Problem. I bragged about it – I got pissed at people who weren’t as proud of me as I was.

I “Get it” now. I had to get my head COMPLETELY out of my ass (And for a while, too,) before I understood what it meant to be clean, to have a clear head, and to understand what it felt like to actually live life the way “Normal People” do it.

But back to TODAY.

let me tell you all a few things.

My mother has cancer, and she isn’t going to fare well. Lots of addicts have “Mom Issues” as a part of their story – I am not one of those addicts. I had “Dad Issues,” which I am happy to report that RECOVERY has given me the gift of resolving (Although on occasion, we both still growl at each other… that’s called FAMILY STUFF.)

I am going to lose my mother and it is the worst pain I have ever experienced… and she is still functional. She is suffering, though, and her pain just tears me apart because I am POWERLESS to make it go away. I can’t save my mom.  Recovery has given me the option to enjoy every single moment we have together NOW while we can, and that is what we do. My mom has always been my best friend (She and my 24 year old daughter… and my BFF Lisa, of course.) But my Mother – SHE is the best of the best. I am giong to lose her and it is too soon.

My 13 (Almost 14) year old Dog Daizy is going to go to Doggie heaven soon – that is just a fact. She is a big dog and she is losing the ability to stay on her feet, and there are other things. The neighbor kid is selling his wagon, and I am thinking that I will buy it, put my old Girl in that wagon, and take her for a nice wagon ride this weekend. She might like that. I love her so much.

The layoffs here may begin as soon as 2 weeks, maybe one week from now. No one knows who will lose thier job. Everyone is freaking. I am freaking; my husband has been unemployed for some time. I have a mortgage. Unemployment is something I can’t live with… and commuting while grieving sounds like a horrible idea. I’ll do it though.

My son moved away about 2 weeks ago. He is 21 – he is supposed to do that. I am still his mother and I miss my boy. I want him to work and live here, not “There.” I hope he does very well “There…” but I miss my buddy. He is my OTHER best friend.

I am blessed – I have so many best friends.

My little girl (24 year old little girl) seems to be floundering, but my friend Lisa (To the rescue) may be able to help with that. Details of my childrens lives aside – I want the best for my kids. They have never been in trouble. They are individuals, they are not “Ordinary Looking” people (Think piercings, think tattoos, think …. BAGGY CLOTHES…) but they are good people, talented people.

I have relational issues at home that will not be a part of this blog. I have Lisa for that ? My relationship with my hubby isn’t up for public discussion – some things have to be private; most anything about other people in this blog will be private. This isn’t about them – this is about how addiction has affected my life, and how it effects my life today (Even though today, I don’t get high and haven’t for 6 years, 4 months.)

But back to today.

Today, I wanted to smoke cigarettes. I don’t do that anymore either; I was terrified about quitting those until my mother was diagnosed with Lung cancer, and 3 days later my friend Gary died from Colon cancer. I was sick of being stinky, I was worried about how smoking was going to harm my bird (Yes, I smoked in the house – I can’t control my use of anything if I am in active addiction. “Smoking Outside” was a good idea, and lasted until it got really cold.)

I don’t want to be high. I don’t see how being high will make my life “Better,” my problems easier to cope with, or do anything good for me at all.

…That cigarette sounded SO good though. I found myself eating huge chucnks of bread with olive oil and vinegrette… and reeses peanut butter cups… and… CROUTONS… and a friggin CORN DOG…

Can’t do anything in moderation, apparently. I called the cancer society, whose voicemail loop sent me to the wrong person, who offered to put my on hold to talk to the right person…

Soooo I SNAPPED. I used words that are often displayed like this: #^%$# **&&^  (Like “What the FUCK?” or “What kind of bullshit is THIS?”)

and so on.

That lady decided to go ahead and talk to me, and I did not smoke. I was offered a frikken hamburger within an hour which I didn’t take (More cuz I was full, I dunno.)

So, Just For Today… I got through.

My mom is dying, I am virtually penniless, my dog is going to die, my son is just GONE, my husband is unemployed (And “Other Stuff” with me and him,) the employer announced “Changes and layoffs coming soon!” but of course, none of us know for WHOM, and whatever else is going on that I just don’t feel like ruminating about.

A special thanks to Lisa for saving my ass every time I’m trying to duct tape it back on…

And a VERY special thank you to a 12 step program that has taught me I don’t have a “Drug” problem.. I have a BEHAVIOR problem, a THINKING problem, a “SPIRITUAL DEFICIT,” and it is called “ADDICTION.” I’ve been going to lots of meetings lately – and maybe that’s a factor in why I am clean.

Oh – all of the crap I pulled today (Yelling at people on the phone, etc?) I did it at work.

Our psychiatrist “Stopped by” after work to say hi, and ask me, “How are you hanging in there?” She is the best… because… I TOLD HER.

She listened. On a Friday. There is good in the world, and I will not get high tonite.

Going home, and I plan to continue to work Step One till it’s done. This will be the 4th time I have worked the 12 steps. They seem to work.

Stay clean, no matter what – life happens anyway. Might as well be in your right mind when it arrives.


This entry was written by Penelope, filed under Dry Ice.
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8 Comments

  1. fishslapr posted on 05/20/2010 at 2:56 pm | Permalink

    thanks for sharing these sections of your life pen, I throughly enjoy reading them…

  2. Al posted on 05/20/2010 at 10:07 pm | Permalink

    The feeling of not being unique ,reassuring that I too can reach farther than I ever thought possible. Inspirational …… Thank You

  3. breckgirl posted on 05/21/2010 at 11:02 am | Permalink

    Penelope – you are an inspiration to those that are lucky enough to know you.

    You know there is that line in the 12 steps that talks about Honesty being one of the keys to recovery. You have the best kind of honesty – not just the cash register kind – you have that too – but it is the self honesty. The willingness to face yourself and do the next right thing even when you are in terrible emotional pain.

    Hang in there.

  4. RobinLynn posted on 05/25/2010 at 3:51 pm | Permalink

    I love reading this blog…. I’ve been a “not so often” poster and more often lurker at KCI for about 5 years now and feel like I know you somehow. Maybe you remind me of me. I am 55 this summer, clean for 6 yrs on that 55th B-day, used daily for 11 yrs and imagined myself to be functional. lol
    Keep fighting the good fight and I look forward to reading your inspirational blog.

  5. Zack posted on 06/05/2010 at 7:06 am | Permalink

    The 12 steps kick butt! I know because they have helped kick mine into shape. Way to go. I appreciate your blog.

  6. janna posted on 10/08/2010 at 1:36 am | Permalink

    I have been using from the age of 9 I am 34 now I have three yrs. and life couldnt be better! just so hapPens that i see this woman no girl with 3 boys under 3 and the husband has been deported i feel sorry for her eventhough i know she uses so i set out to help her however she not ready yet!and i feel as if i should of done more for her But i cannot cause being around her i am growing increasingly uncomfortable with myself and refuse to be pulled back down!!

  7. Robert E. posted on 11/06/2010 at 12:59 pm | Permalink

    There I Did It.

  8. crystal posted on 11/30/2010 at 6:31 pm | Permalink

    its amazing how everywhere i look i see people being free from this prison(meth)but made me realize was that throughout all the bad situations its better to fight your way back up then to give up than to let drugs take over…my mom is still not ready to let them go but i love her dearly and reading your blogs helped me know that one day my mom can be strong enough to let go like the courages people you are…you trully made a huge inspiration in my life … thankyou so much and god bless you abundantly