The “Geographical Cure”

Posted in Speed Bump on 01/02/2010 – 7:48 pm
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I had lost my career, and with that a large part of my identity. My friends were in and out of the house constantly, we had band practice in our garage at least twice a week which brought with it a lot of people, drinking, and a constant “Party” atmosphere. My kids were young, the children of all of my friends were always there too. The “Moms” had our own thing going on; remember I had the 3 bedroom house with the picket fence, swing set, green grass in the backyard, etc.  So in spite of the motorcycles and musicians in front of the house, the kids had it pretty good inside, too. I wasn’t working and I wanted to be a mom for a while.

A mom, but still, an addict. Still using, still with a house full of bikers, loud music, and the lifestyle that goes with being an addict.

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“Functional Addict”

Posted in Speed Bump on 12/07/2009 – 8:00 pm
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I finished college. I got a job with the State, I got married, the house with the picket fence, 2 kids, a dog, and and a drug problem.  The only way I was able to stay off the meth and cocaine and other “Hard” drugs was to be pregnant; this, of course, means that in the beginning of both of my pregnancies, I was using and that’s something that is hard to talk about.  It is what it is, though, and this is my story.  I decided I would be as honest as I can, and as I am an addict, there will be things – lots of them – that I am not proud of.

When my children were young I remember life being fairly stable. Eventually, though, I began to invite people, places and things back into my life that led right back to “Old Behavior.”

I think it is important to note that I have stated that “I Invited” the chaos back into my life. Drugs didn’t walk in off the street, nothing forced itself up my nose, into a pipe and somehow smoked by me without my consent, and the people I associated with were people I chose to associate with.

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“It’s Neuro Toxic”

Posted in Speed Bump on 11/03/2009 – 3:02 am
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I have been wondering where to go from my last post… that Halloween Night, full of meth and just released from the Hall…   other than to simply say that we went to go do what we always did, use, drive around, fight, maybe not fight, etc.

Needless to say at that point I did need a new job, so I got one at a small psychiatric hospital across the street from where I lived (The apartment that was raided.) I lied and said I was 18.

I titled this entry “It’s Neuro – Toxic” for a few reasons. For starters, I sat on this entry for a few weeks now, trying to remember my 18th birthday… 19th… my 20th. 

I can’t. I don’t remember turning 18. I should remember that – something about it – but I don’t.  I just don’t remember any of them. There’s so much I don’t remember… and I often realize it when it’s most awkward.  This is a Meth Addicts Brain (In the picture) for anyone who hasn’t seen this type of pic before.

My Brain probably looks like a meteorite.

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The Mab

Posted in Speed Bump on 10/17/2009 – 1:18 pm
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So the high school experience essentially involved learning how to use more drugs, learning that Meth allowed me to stay awake longer so that whatever drugs I was taking were gonna last longer, and that I was no longer the person I was intended to be. Not even close.

This blog is about methamphetamine and addiction; however, I feel that it is extremely important to include all of the drug use – at least what I can remember.  It all ends with a meth pipe and a 40 year old, that’s the reality.

I also believe that, for most of us who end up using meth as our drug of choice, we go through a hell of a lot of experimentation before we land at meth as our “Final Destination.”

I did a hell of a lot of experimentation, and a hell of a lot of drugs.

By the time I was 17 I dropped out of high school, had caused my folks enough angst and moved in with a friend who had her own apartment. In the 1970’s, what we did in the San Francisco Bay Area for fun was go to concerts. The Bay Area was and still is a hub for all kinds of music, and at that time you could go to a Day on the Green for about $7.50. I went to as many as I could.  I went to almost all of them. I was wasted at every one I attended.

If there was no Day on the Green, then you Cruised the Strip. Eventually, when our habit started to outgrow our incomes, it made sense to start selling some acid, and some meth. We started going to San Francisco to sell meth, and got into the Punk Scene. We spent a lot of time at a place called the Mabuhay Gardens on Broadway, and walked that part of Northbeach where Carol Dodas, Big Al’s, and all the other “Adult Entertainment” venues could be found. The Mabuhay was the place to be if you wanted to see the good punk bands. Broadway was a good place to sell dope to tourists.

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Skating on Thin Ice

Posted in Speed Bump on 10/10/2009 – 8:18 pm
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This story is going somewhere. This story is convoluted, this story is twisted, and this story is, in many ways, a story about more than one person.

The problem, though, is that the story is only about me, so that makes the above statement a bit confusing.  For anyone who is an addict, my guess is that the confusion is less “Dramatic.”

So, skating along past the days of naive encounters with sick men and into high school, I got introduced into a new “Village of Subcultures” that we called “Logan.” That was the name of my school, and it was in a S.F. Bay Area City, in a district known as “Decoto.”  This was the same school that my genius brother graduated from; it was also where I learned how to use drugs.  The difference between my brother and I is that as adolescents, we obviously viewed achievement in very different ways.

He saw Achievement as something that occurred over time, that required work and dedication, and something that would last into his future.

I saw Achievement as the ability to get my immediate “Needs” met by any means necessary, and didn’t concern myself with the future. 

Getting my immediate needs met required work too – but the kind of work I did and the kind of work he did were based on very different “Rules of Conduct.”

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Tip of the Iceberg…

Posted in Speed Bump on 10/01/2009 – 5:40 am
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Before I get into this entry, I want to make something crystal clear.

Although I am talking about the history of my own journey through meth addiction and recovery, it is important to me that readers know something. I may talk about how things were when I grew up, I may talk about my relationships or issues with other people who have played a role in my life, I may talk about events and places that are a part of the history of my meth use.

I want to make sure that readers understand that, although I am talking about specific people, events. etc – they are a part of my story, and I do not blame ANYONE for anything I’ve done.  Life is what it is, things end up how they do. At the end of the day, I made my own choices.  I am as responsible for my drug use in the past as I am for my recovery in the present. Blaming gets me nowhere, and has no place in this story.

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Breaking the Ice

Posted in Speed Bump on 09/26/2009 – 3:49 pm
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break_ice1Well, I haven’t really been 100% sure what would be the best way to launch this project, Tweekerland, except that it would make sense to link right back to the source, .

That’s where this all begins.

But Who Am I, and what is the purpose of this Blog?

What’s most important to know is this; I am an addict. I am an addict, that is the bigger picture here, and the one fact about me that is most pertinent to this project.

When I say “I am an addict, That is exactly what I mean. The reality about the NATURE of my addiction is that although I loved to get high on just about everything, Methamphetamine was THE drug that brought me to my knees. Methamphetamine (Which my crowd called everything from crank, to gack, to shit…. “Got any Shit?”) was the drug that seemed to rob me of my senses, of my potential, and of my ability to see the world as it really is… and enabled me to think the world was something it was not.  Mine.

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